Facing My Demons

Darkness surrounds me, fear engulfs me.  I live this nightmare constantly.  At night I live it, so real so dangerous.  But even in the light of day it’s there lurking in the shadows of my mind.  There is no rest for me, no rest for my soul.  I don’t understand!! You told me to come unto You because I was tired and heavy laden.  You promised Your yolk would be easy, and your burden was light (Matt.11:28-30).  You promised to give me rest, but night after night I am still plagued with restlessness and danger. 

          Nights are all the same. I am running through the dark halls of a cathedral. I am running for my life.  I test the door after locked door, but all fail to give me the protection I seek from my invisible enemy.  I can’t see the demons, but I know they are there.  I can feel their hot breath on my skin as they chase me.  They taunt me in my head, I know they are real. 

During the day the threat continues. They shout at me with the threat of losing myself or my mind. The pain, though unseen, is real, the heartache palpable.  I don’t want to be in silence, I don’t want to be alone, that is when the darkness gets louder.  I must keep out running them.  If I can stay one step ahead of them, I can be safe, but I’m growing weary.

          I’m losing ground.  The shrieks behind me begin to grow louder, I am so afraid.  My body grows cold, and then, I see it.  I’m running toward a dead end.  There’s nowhere else to go and I begin to panic.  Suddenly the shrieks stop, I no longer feel the danger.  I realize time has frozen and I’m the only thing unaffected by it.  And then Jesus appears before me. His arms open wide, revealing His nail pierced hands.

“My child,” He says, “what are you running from?”

“Lord, I don’t understand.  You promised You’d give me rest, You promised Your yoke was easy.  You promised to be my Prince of Peace.  Where have You been?  Why haven’t You saved me from these demons chasing me?”

“I have given You the power to fight the darkness.  I did not give you fear, but love, power, and a sound mind (1 Timothy 1:7) You, my child, have the authority to put these demons to rest in My name. I have already overcome the darkness, the only power the darkness has over you is what you give to it. But instead of speaking My truth over them, you run from them.” (Matthew 28:18-20, Mark16:17-18, Hebrews 2:5-8)

“What do I need to do then Lord?”

“Stop running from the truth, stop running from the past (John 8:31-32, John 14:6, Eph 4:15-29). Turn around and face it.  You will find it may not be as bad as You’re afraid it is (1 John 4:18).  You will find that it has lost its power over you, it can’t destroy you.  It takes bravery to face the demons that chase You, but it’s the heart of a warrior that is brave enough to do it.  Fear not my child, for I am with You, even in your darkest hours.”

Epilogue

I have decided to trust in Him. I turned around so Jesus and I could face the demons together. He offered me a strength I didn’t know was there (2 Corinthians 12:9-11). It was not easy at the moment, but looking back, it was easier than running from it all. The threat is gone, and a new understanding of myself, of God, and of life has replaced it. I thank you God for helping me to face all my demons...

I wrote this years ago, long before I lost my son. Though I still believe the spiritual war can be like this, I have a new understanding of the enemy we are up against. The past year and a half it felt like the demons took a firm hold on me, and shook me and shook me and shook me, and then they shook me harder. They shook until my whole world fell apart. I had not done anything to deserve or to cause this shaking. I was stripped of my security, my safe space, my health, and a hole was ripped open in my heart. Facing my demons only seemed to only make things worse.

 I believe in actual demons, evil entities that influence the world around us (1 Timothy 4:1, Job 4:15, Eph 6:11). I am convinced that I was up against demonic powers that were a result of curses prayed over me. That may seem foreign to some who read this, but I would encourage you to consider the realness of such things.

There were nights I could feel a literal demonic darkness hovering over me, threatening to finish me off. But God was never apart from the situation (Deut. 31:8, Romans 8:28). It felt like He was, but He was not. In fact, on the nights I felt the darkness, I also felt an angelic presence fighting for my life.

The truth is, sometimes even as we are facing our demons, even when we are doing what is right, God allows evil to sift us (Luke 22:31). Never to hurt us, but to heal us, and to teach how to be more like Him (Deut 32:39; Hosea 6:1; Job 5:18). I tried to walk through this fire with strength and humility. But I didn’t do that flawlessly. I am thankful that God is flawless in His ways (Isaiah 55:8). Now I see how much I needed to walk through the fire, because the fire is teaching me to love more, and be more humble.

      What about you? Are you running from your demons or are you facing them?

What are the demons that harass you? Guilt and Shame? Fear? Pride?

Self-Righteousness? An unaddressed past? Something else?

   What have you done, or what do you need to do to face your demons?

Lord God, I pray for my readers as well as myself. May we all get better at seeing the full picture. May we strive to remain obedient and trusting in you, even when we have questions. Lord, may we understand that questions are okay, even Job asked questions. But may we have the strength to question without becoming hardened. Open our eyes to the truth of the battle that is all around us. Help us to fight in a way that brings you glory. For it is in the Name of Jesus Christ I pray this.

Amen